Giving and Bartering
If I give and expect something in return, then I am not giving -- I am bartering. If I give without care of what is returned to me, then I am truly giving.
When personal expectations are tangible, they are easy to recognize and avoid. It’s the subtle ways that confound me – the times when I am bartering for praise, acceptance, self-worth, or validation that turn my gift from a gracious outpouring of spirit into a mere transaction limited in its ability to impact another person.
If I feel anxious when I give, wondering if the gift is “good enough” or if the recipient will respond positively, then I am bartering and not giving. If I cannot give without hearing a kind word or some sort of thanks, then I am bartering and not giving. If I insist upon a particular reaction to my gift, if my world is shattered or created by your response to my gift, then I am bartering and not giving.
When I am bartering, I make excuses for the “quality” of my gift. I offer disclaimers, in case of flaws I could not anticipate. I hold back parts of myself in order to potentially make the gift more palatable. I soften or harden the essence of the gift, not for your sake but for mine.
For if you have something I want – essentially, your favor of me as a person – the gift will be compromised to some degree. Your potential reaction will change what I give you. Instead of offering you something authentic, from the heart, the something that I see that you need, I am tempted to give you whatever will give me the reaction in turn that I so much desire.
Gifts are extensions of myself expressed through whatever means I possess – my talents, my skills, my advice, my perspective, my comfort, my material resources, my support, my presence in your life. They are things that belong to me, now given to you for your benefit. Bartering is using those things that belong to me for my own eventual benefit.
Giving has power and can transcend the gift in terms of its impact. Bartering has only limited power and cannot get you more than you’ve paid for.
When personal expectations are tangible, they are easy to recognize and avoid. It’s the subtle ways that confound me – the times when I am bartering for praise, acceptance, self-worth, or validation that turn my gift from a gracious outpouring of spirit into a mere transaction limited in its ability to impact another person.
If I feel anxious when I give, wondering if the gift is “good enough” or if the recipient will respond positively, then I am bartering and not giving. If I cannot give without hearing a kind word or some sort of thanks, then I am bartering and not giving. If I insist upon a particular reaction to my gift, if my world is shattered or created by your response to my gift, then I am bartering and not giving.
When I am bartering, I make excuses for the “quality” of my gift. I offer disclaimers, in case of flaws I could not anticipate. I hold back parts of myself in order to potentially make the gift more palatable. I soften or harden the essence of the gift, not for your sake but for mine.
For if you have something I want – essentially, your favor of me as a person – the gift will be compromised to some degree. Your potential reaction will change what I give you. Instead of offering you something authentic, from the heart, the something that I see that you need, I am tempted to give you whatever will give me the reaction in turn that I so much desire.
Gifts are extensions of myself expressed through whatever means I possess – my talents, my skills, my advice, my perspective, my comfort, my material resources, my support, my presence in your life. They are things that belong to me, now given to you for your benefit. Bartering is using those things that belong to me for my own eventual benefit.
Giving has power and can transcend the gift in terms of its impact. Bartering has only limited power and cannot get you more than you’ve paid for.
posted by Fortunato at 12:53 PM
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