Still Processing

Today part of an ongoing troubling situation came up and my wife sent me an emotional e-mail. As I went to type in a response, I just closed the browser and called home instead, to talk to her directly.

That was weird. I know I did the right thing, that calling rather than writing was what I needed to do, but why would I even have to think about it first? Why do I always have to pass through a logical process first without just instinctively having a gut reaction? Nowadays my choices come quicker, the thoughts are not as laborious, so they seem to others to be gut reactions, spontaneous, but inside it was like this:

1. My wife is upset and hurting.
2. She really needs someone to talk to directly.
3. I need to call home.

I actually had to progress through the logic chart. I think some people who “think” with their hearts (it’s not really “thinking” at all, but feeling) would have just sensed her hurt and called home without considering anything at all.

Part of me is frustrated with myself, critical of this inability to just react out of emotion and concern. Even my best friend, who possesses the same logical thought progression as I do, seems softer-hearted. But I’ve been working on it for years, and even now I only can “emulate” feeling behavior via my logical thought processes, not replace it.

This is part of the self-loathing or non-acceptance towards myself my counselor and I’ve discussed. I’m disappointed that I can’t do everything equally well and want to be everything to all people. I expect myself to be everyone, to be as good as everyone.

My thought process is not a curse but a gift, an ability to quickly evaluate a set of ideas, thus better directing my choices and behavior. (Geez, even NOW I sound like a flarkin’ robot. Just to talk about this only emphasizes my point.)

I need to learn to accept that that’s who I am, and perhaps eventually I will be able to act similarly to those who just react from the heart, but I will never be them, nor process things like them.

And that it’s okay for me to be this way. I’m simply who I am, and free to be it.